A 2020 Reflection

Happy New Year, friends. It’s me again, the second child. 

I hope that you found small joys and true rest and peace in the abundance of downtime that 2020 brought. I hope that this coming year will be one of joy and peace and relief. I am so, so excited for all that this year is already offering me, but more on that another time. Right now, I want to share some of the things I am learning. I had a lot of time to think and reflect during this past year, and I came to so many good realizations and I have grown so much. I am still growing, which is good. There is an abundance of goodness in learning and growth and it is so insanely rewarding to see change in oneself. Anyways, here we go. I tried to fit in as much as I could remember at the time, but I have absolutely no doubt that there is so much more that I haven’t included. 

I am learning the value of rest. That it is okay to stop and relax. That I don’t need to be busy and working at every moment. The world isn’t going to end if I take some time to sleep or lay down and do nothing for a little while. 

I am learning that not everything can be planned, not every conversation can be scripted. Heavy thought isn't required in every single situation. That there is goodness in spontaneity, and unplanned events tend to bring some of best memories.

I am teaching myself to slow down and breathe. To step back and look at things from a distance so I can see my work in it's entirety instead on focusing on every imperfect detail, because I will never achieve perfection. It’s like looking at a painting. With every step back, it looks prettier and prettier and it comes together nicely But when you look at it up close, you notice all of the imperfections. 

I am learning the importance of language. To not use extremes like “I have to” and “I need to,” but instead, words like “it would be good to” and “it would be helpful to.” How our language and tone helps convey emotions and feelings in a clearer sense.

I am learning that life isn’t black and white, that there are an infinite amount of options and outcomes for every situation. Like how there are an infinite amount of points between any other two points on a line (that lesson always stuck out to me in math class, and now I understand why). 

I am learning that not everything is always as it seems. Multiple perspectives should be heard, if not all, and they should be heard with an open mind and heart. They should not be shut down. There is always multiple sides to a story, and if someone is hurting, then their hurt is valid and they are just as worthy of comfort and love no matter their stance versus another’s. We are all made in the image and likeness of Christ and we are all human. Jesus holds a special place for each and every one of us and will never stop longing for us and loving us unconditionally. He calls us to do the same, no exceptions. 

I am learning not to reflect so much and concern myself with past mistakes. That it is okay to make mistakes. I try to tell myself that I did what I thought was best or what I could do at the time, and as long as I tried and it was my best then it is okay. If I am aware of my mistakes, that means I am capable of growing past them and changing if I haven’t already, and that is something to celebrate.

I am learning to let people love me and help me and care for me. That I can’t go through life alone. I was made aware of my tendency to not let people in, and I've reflected on that a lot recently because I know it's true. But I am growing from that. I am learning. My friend reminded me a few months ago that we are made for community, we aren’t meant to be alone. We are made to love and for love. I'm learning what it is to be a part of a community.

I am learning to surrender my chronic overthinking and planning to Jesus. To place all of my worries in His hands and to let Him take control. Complete surrender is a scary thing, especially for someone who is a bit of a control freak and likes to push people away in favor of independence. But I am trying and reminding myself that it takes time and practice and that ultimate joy and peace comes in following the will of the Father. I am trying to remind myself that God’s timing is perfect and He has a plan through all of the uncertainty, so my worries and plans aren’t necessary and the best I can do is have faith and trust. here’s a note to self I made in a recent journal entry: don’t avoid prayer/adoration/Jesus. you will never feel better by doing so. you will only find relief in Him

I am learning to see Jesus in everything. That He can work through anyone and anything. That He reveals Himself and His love in so many ways. That He is present in everything. In cotton candy sunsets, in warm breezes. In good moments and in bad. In my late night ponderings the other night I was thinking about how Jesus is goodness. He is incapable of error, and even though we may suffer, He is the good in suffering. The small moments of relief and rest, the strength to go on, and lessons and growth that come from suffering. He is there every step of the way. Even when we struggle to see the good in our suffering, it is there. He is there. 

2020 was not the year any of us had in mind, but it was a year of growth and lessons and I am thankful for so many of my experiences this year. I hope you all have something good to remember when you look back on this year, that there were blessings in the storms. And if you are struggling to find something good, it is good that you are still here. Surviving this year is an accomplishment in itself and you should be celebrating. I am praying for you all <3

in honor of Mama Mary's feast day being January 1st, here's a photo from when I visited the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in January

so so many pictures of sunsets and clouds this year but these clouds were unreal and i wish i could have captured them in their full glory

ps. here’s a link to my worship playlist on Spotify, I just felt called to share it. It’s still very much incomplete, but it’s one of those things that will be ever growing as Jesus shares more of Himself with me and more music is released and I discover more. anyways, enjoy :)))) 

p.p.s. if you listen to it and wanna share anything or wanna share any lessons you’ve learned this year or a good memory or literally anything it all, i would love to hear it. you know where to find me! (and if you don't, you can comment here. or reach out to my mama if you know her personally & she will relay any messages to me hehe)