A 2020 Reflection

Happy New Year, friends. It’s me again, the second child. 

I hope that you found small joys and true rest and peace in the abundance of downtime that 2020 brought. I hope that this coming year will be one of joy and peace and relief. I am so, so excited for all that this year is already offering me, but more on that another time. Right now, I want to share some of the things I am learning. I had a lot of time to think and reflect during this past year, and I came to so many good realizations and I have grown so much. I am still growing, which is good. There is an abundance of goodness in learning and growth and it is so insanely rewarding to see change in oneself. Anyways, here we go. I tried to fit in as much as I could remember at the time, but I have absolutely no doubt that there is so much more that I haven’t included. 

I am learning the value of rest. That it is okay to stop and relax. That I don’t need to be busy and working at every moment. The world isn’t going to end if I take some time to sleep or lay down and do nothing for a little while. 

I am learning that not everything can be planned, not every conversation can be scripted. Heavy thought isn't required in every single situation. That there is goodness in spontaneity, and unplanned events tend to bring some of best memories.

I am teaching myself to slow down and breathe. To step back and look at things from a distance so I can see my work in it's entirety instead on focusing on every imperfect detail, because I will never achieve perfection. It’s like looking at a painting. With every step back, it looks prettier and prettier and it comes together nicely But when you look at it up close, you notice all of the imperfections. 

I am learning the importance of language. To not use extremes like “I have to” and “I need to,” but instead, words like “it would be good to” and “it would be helpful to.” How our language and tone helps convey emotions and feelings in a clearer sense.

I am learning that life isn’t black and white, that there are an infinite amount of options and outcomes for every situation. Like how there are an infinite amount of points between any other two points on a line (that lesson always stuck out to me in math class, and now I understand why). 

I am learning that not everything is always as it seems. Multiple perspectives should be heard, if not all, and they should be heard with an open mind and heart. They should not be shut down. There is always multiple sides to a story, and if someone is hurting, then their hurt is valid and they are just as worthy of comfort and love no matter their stance versus another’s. We are all made in the image and likeness of Christ and we are all human. Jesus holds a special place for each and every one of us and will never stop longing for us and loving us unconditionally. He calls us to do the same, no exceptions. 

I am learning not to reflect so much and concern myself with past mistakes. That it is okay to make mistakes. I try to tell myself that I did what I thought was best or what I could do at the time, and as long as I tried and it was my best then it is okay. If I am aware of my mistakes, that means I am capable of growing past them and changing if I haven’t already, and that is something to celebrate.

I am learning to let people love me and help me and care for me. That I can’t go through life alone. I was made aware of my tendency to not let people in, and I've reflected on that a lot recently because I know it's true. But I am growing from that. I am learning. My friend reminded me a few months ago that we are made for community, we aren’t meant to be alone. We are made to love and for love. I'm learning what it is to be a part of a community.

I am learning to surrender my chronic overthinking and planning to Jesus. To place all of my worries in His hands and to let Him take control. Complete surrender is a scary thing, especially for someone who is a bit of a control freak and likes to push people away in favor of independence. But I am trying and reminding myself that it takes time and practice and that ultimate joy and peace comes in following the will of the Father. I am trying to remind myself that God’s timing is perfect and He has a plan through all of the uncertainty, so my worries and plans aren’t necessary and the best I can do is have faith and trust. here’s a note to self I made in a recent journal entry: don’t avoid prayer/adoration/Jesus. you will never feel better by doing so. you will only find relief in Him

I am learning to see Jesus in everything. That He can work through anyone and anything. That He reveals Himself and His love in so many ways. That He is present in everything. In cotton candy sunsets, in warm breezes. In good moments and in bad. In my late night ponderings the other night I was thinking about how Jesus is goodness. He is incapable of error, and even though we may suffer, He is the good in suffering. The small moments of relief and rest, the strength to go on, and lessons and growth that come from suffering. He is there every step of the way. Even when we struggle to see the good in our suffering, it is there. He is there. 

2020 was not the year any of us had in mind, but it was a year of growth and lessons and I am thankful for so many of my experiences this year. I hope you all have something good to remember when you look back on this year, that there were blessings in the storms. And if you are struggling to find something good, it is good that you are still here. Surviving this year is an accomplishment in itself and you should be celebrating. I am praying for you all <3

in honor of Mama Mary's feast day being January 1st, here's a photo from when I visited the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in January

so so many pictures of sunsets and clouds this year but these clouds were unreal and i wish i could have captured them in their full glory

ps. here’s a link to my worship playlist on Spotify, I just felt called to share it. It’s still very much incomplete, but it’s one of those things that will be ever growing as Jesus shares more of Himself with me and more music is released and I discover more. anyways, enjoy :)))) 

p.p.s. if you listen to it and wanna share anything or wanna share any lessons you’ve learned this year or a good memory or literally anything it all, i would love to hear it. you know where to find me! (and if you don't, you can comment here. or reach out to my mama if you know her personally & she will relay any messages to me hehe) 

Daybook - Pondering The Out Of Tune Singer

Outside My Window - all vestiges of a White Christmas are puddled and messy as the temps have risen since our county went into Level 1 snow emergency on Christmas Eve. But what a beautiful eve it was despite the somewhat perilous trek to Midnight Mass. All I have are memories on my camera and in my heart and mind.

I'm Listening To - a teen-ager's phone playing American Pie. Our musical taste have heavily influenced our kid's playlists. Every so often I get updated on what's hip by exchanging lists with them, keeps me young and unnecessarily hip for my age. I must admit enjoying Taylor Swift's album with a Bon Iver cameo. Can't go wrong with Bon Iver. 

I'm Reading - purposely avoiding any political things. I'm still working my way through the re-read of Joy To The World (Scott Hahn) but mostly light reading to inspire my creative juices for the upcoming year.

I'm Wearing - linen lounge pants, a dri-fit top, and my Stella & Tide Bravely necklace. This was a present for myself to celebrate an incredible year with Color Street. When I first signed up with them I knew I wanted Saint Zelie Martin to be my business patron. Mother of saints and business owner, how could I not want to emulate that? Anyhow when I saw the Bravely necklace while shopping for my daughter (she's a Stella fan) I knew I had to get it. I love the beautiful sentiment behind the piece which is a quote from Saint Zelie - "The good Lord does not do things by halves; He always gives what we need. Let us, then, carry on bravely"

I'm Pondering - the introspection of Advent had me going into the Christmas season aware of my failings and weaknesses in all aspects of my life. I was feeling pretty low on the way to Mass trying to sort out everything in prayer. As Mass got underway, a very enthusiastic singer a couple of pews away had me chuckling out of my morose mood. I wasn't internally laughing because of the admittedly not very good singing. To preface this, I'm a bit spoiled having grown up in a culture that is historically musical. Our parish also happens to have one of the best choirs in the diocese. Whether it be music or life, there's certain part of me that seeks all these perfections to feed that emotional (also selfish) part of me. So when the imperfect singing commenced behind me, there was that instant realization that my perceived failings really deserve the mercy of the imperfect. Because in the imperfection I knew more than ever that I needed help, I needed God. The laughter I was trying to contain wasn't because the singing was bad but at the realization that I don't deserve the perfect singing. I deserved this out-of-tune yet wholehearted baritone as an analogy to my out-of-tune life. And there's the joy, through the imperfect, God seeks me in love, out of my self-pity and into the joy of the life in tune with His. I have never been more thankful and joyful for the less than perfect pitch. So today, sing your joy!

I'm Looking Forward To - wearing a sparkly outfit on New Year's Eve, at home. Because why the heck not?!

Mom Treat - in photo

Prayers - continuing prayers for friends. A better 2021.

Snapshots - 

Daybook- I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas

I started writing this yesterday, hence the reference to the Christmas star. I finally have a moment to sit and finish so this is now a two-day daybook!

Outside My Window - a slight wind making twigs and ornament decorations sway in an almost hypnotic fashion. Winter clouds that will obscure our ability to catch a glimpse of the "Christmas Star".

I'm Listening To - the whirring of the holographic Christmas star on top of our tree. It does this revolving thing that makes noise but casts a pretty kaleidoscope of color on the ceiling. It always bothers me the first few days it's up but eventually becomes white noise in a house of many loud and happy occupants. My boys chattering on about a game they are playing.

I'm Reading - Scott Hahn's Joy To The World. It's just appropriate this time of year.

I'm Wearing - I added this part so it will force me to get out of ratty clothes on Mondays! Suede leggings that are buttery soft and warm and everything a good pair of leggings should be. A tunic top, my 2020 Hot Chocolate jacket (virtual this year), black and gold Puma suede sneakers. A knit cap to hide my ratty hair and a pale pink leather drop earrings, big and light, and everything I like in a jewelry.

I'm Pondering - that babe born in a manger and how in the hubbub of the holidays I sometimes forget to linger there. Don't let anyone or anything steal the peace of this season. Linger there in the quiet for a minute or two, longer if you have the luxury. 

I'm Looking Forward To - just a quiet rest of the week. All presents have been wrapped. All shopping done. All treats consumed lol, okay not ALL, yet. Maybe I should look forward to exercising after all of the good stuff! Oh, and the possibility of a White Christmas?! We'll see!

What's Cooking - for Christmas Eve dinner I am making a rib roast. I somewhat botched the recipe last year, so I'm giving it another go with a different recipe and cooking method. Cheesecake and other yummy things for the fam.

The Week Ahead - bake, cook, eat, repeat! Cleaning will have to be in there somewhere.

Homeschool Is Cool - school's out! 

Mom Treat - a breakfast date with my middle child. Even during break he doesn't sleep in so we have been catching the worm, so to speak. It's a real treat to have these one on one moments with our kids and the fact that they still enjoy my company every now and then.

Prayers - continuing prayers for friends who have covid. For a friend who's child passed away suddenly this past week. Many broken hearts. For the end to this pandemic and for the easing of the burdens it has placed on so many. Thanksgiving, because through it all I am loved simply because of me. Thank you Jesus.

Christmas Week Snapshots - 

We didn't see the Christmas star but downtown was the star of our night

you're really supposed to ignore the fireplace so you can admire my manicure

    

no sleeping in for early birds!

Daybook - Pondering Love

 "I am definitely loved and whatever happens to me, I am awaited by love. And so, my life is good" - St. Josephine Bakhita

Outside My Window - I feel as if every Monday these last few weeks have all been cloudy and gloomy. Today, I see a hint of blue and a promise of sunshine. All is calm, no wind to disturb the twigs and leaves on the ground. The glint of Christmas ornaments on our maple tree makes me happy.

I'm Listening To - A Christmas/Advent playlist on Spotify. It's a combination of classics and contemporary renditions from Burl Ives to Jars of Clay, with a splash of Canadiana by way of The Huron Carol and a Christmas jig by Ashley McIsaac. And it won't be my playlist if there's no Wexford Carol.

I'm Reading - some fluff on my Kindle Paperwhite that I randomly picked up but I'm going to dig in and finish Cardinal Sara's book that's been stewing there as well.

I'm Pondering - the opening salvo of my Advent and Christmas devotional asked what I hoped to achieve during this season. It's the same question every year, and every year it stumps me. I bring this weighty question to prayer and it's slowly being revealed to me. I have a trouble with love it seems. It has been specially hard under the oppression of pandemic life. Charity asks a lot of us. It asks a lot of me, in and out of my bubble. To love without asking for anything in return. To give and to serve tirelessly, despite my rebellious heart. More and more I am realizing the genius of true love as it comes from the heart of God. "I am awaited by love, and so my life is good"

I'm Looking Forward To- actually finishing decorating. We got our tree the other day, it's up but there are no lights because we apparently don't have any working ones! I am so happy to see again my small Christmas tree collection. Speaking of trees, fun fact- we have two 6-foot fake trees, one of which we bought on clearance eons ago and have yet to see the light outside the original box. I might put it out on my front porch. We'll see.

What's Cooking - I have a rib eye roast sitting on my counter as I type. I was going to dredge and cure in salt but may check out another recipe. 

The Week Ahead- lots of laundry and maybe, finally, switching our clothes to reflect the weather. I'm still wearing khaki shorts at home on days I don't have to go anywhere.

Homeschool Is Cool - these next few weeks I just want crafty, happy things. Our brains are fried from long division LOL.

Mom Treat- squee!!! I finally got myself a new Winter jacket. I lamented for two years about how my favorite Lands' End coat has seen better days after eleven years of wear. And I kept holding out for sales on the good stuff, Columbia, North Face, Uniqlo, and L.L. Bean. I was almost ready to commit to a Uniqlo but then Lands' End, probably seeing my constant visit to the outerwear section of their website, sent me a coupon for 60 percent off. It took the coat I'm salivating over from $200 to $87! It's the updated version of my previous beloved and I can't wait to get it! With a name like Squall Insulated Waterproof Stadium Long Winter Coat With Hood, can you blame me?! Oh and the fun part? I bought it with my nail earnings. Adulting happiness right there, and I actually hate the word adulting.

Prayers - for the end to this pandemic. For friends who have covid. For private intentions as we continue to pray the St. Andrew novena.

Advent Time Snapshots - wherein I share my usual photos