From mourning to dancing

Five years ago today, on the Feast of the Presentation, our fourth child was born to heaven. The inexpressible anguish of losing a child was something, at the time, I never thought I could recover from.  For someone who likes to talk, (blog) and assign words to my innermost thoughts, this one event rendered me mute and dumbstruck.

"...For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful..."

I clung to this Scripture passage for a very long time.  I imagined my child speaking these words to the Lord Himself.  In the absence of praise in my own heart, I allowed my child to speak for me, to utter words I neither had the will nor the strength to express.

"Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted"

The Lord did not allow me to wallow in eternal misery, He sent me sweet heavenly favors to carry me through. Favors that only God can give, personal and without the aid of human hands.  To this day, when I am in danger of "apostasy" I remind myself of those heavenly favors.

"You changed my mourning into dancing; you took off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness."

There is a sadness that lingers and it will be so until the end of our days.  Miguel's absence in our life looms large for that space can never be occupied nor replaced.  He is a part of us, not shoved into a distant memory or denied of his place in our family. He is part of our rejoicing probably more than we will ever know in this life.

Bless the LORD, my soul; all my being, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, my soul; do not forget all the gifts of God

His story is short, bitter-sweet and tragic in so many ways.  But it is also a story of God's grace, unspeakable, immeasurable and beyond all human understanding.