"You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you, because I am wonderfully made; wonderful are your works! My very self you know." - Psalm 139:13-14
While I was contemplating my relationship with the Lord, I thought about all the work I put into loving Him. First I have to pray, then I have to listen, then I have to study, then I have to put what I've learned into action. A familiar cycle that usually brings me comfort. On this particular day, however, the magnitude of my life - past, present, future - was hitting me with an exhaustion, both mental and physical, I couldn't shake. That is a recipe for a prayer temper-tantrum for me. But as they say when you have nothing good to say just don't say it. So I gave God the good old silent treatment. I figure He knows me well enough and He can handle any attitude I dish out. By the way, that's not how you should treat people you claim to love! But I'm a fallen human being so every so often this is how I treat God.
Instead of focusing on the effort of loving Him, I just let Him love me in the quiet. Instead of my usual, "I need clear, concise, sign of Jonah answers today Lord!" (complete with fists up in the air hahaha) I told Him I was getting tired of my own demands and the demands of my life. So tired that I'm just going to shut up. As our companionable silence progressed it occurred to me how He loves in such a free and effortless manner. Through my tears and tempers, laughter and calm, His love is steady, unwavering. There are no conditions for the love He offers me. I don't have to be anything other than who I am at that moment. Sometimes those moments are ugly with ingratitude and sinfulness or filled with stress and worry. When He loves He is just Being, whereas when I love I am acting (doing something to prove my love). No wonder loving is wearying to me because I am measuring my efforts, counting the cost, and anticipating a just reward. It's still amazing to me how in my giving Him the silent treatment He, in turn, gave me a loud and clear statement of how He loves. Slowly but surely I am coming to understand what "God is love" truly means.
I hope, unlike me, you know the ways of God's love in your life.
Thank you for your words here. This post meant alot to me and God brought me straight to it. I've never been to your sight before and am so grateful to land here today. Thank you for your blog. XOXO +jmj+
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so happy! I usually don't think about who reads my blog since it's usually my friends and family who do. Thanks for commenting.
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